..’cause there’s a spark in you. You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine – just own the night like the fourth of july. Baby you’re a firework, come on show [him] what you’re worth.
I was so jealous. When I read that she would be the one taking part at this event with him – Conner – dream of my sleepless nights – I had to take a deep breath to swallow the imagination of him putting his arms around her, standing next to the sea, watching the lightshow at the sky. The most beautiful thing to visit for young couples, the most romantic way to spend an evening together. I missed him and I hated it. When Conner and her broke up one day before the happening I couldn’t keep myself from praying that he would go there with nobody else but me, but of course I have never dreamed a night like this.
The fortuity wanted that I had asked Jim – a friend of a former class – a few days before if I could accompany him because my girls all wanted to spend that evening with their boyfriends. However Jim wrote me that he had already planned to go there at noon for swimming with his girlfriend. I was disappointed first – but continuing reading my heart started beating faster. Jim told me that he talked to Conner who was looking for somebody to get there with him as well and that he would be pleased if I accompanied him. Was this destiny?
However Conner wanted me to search contact in case that I agreed, because I had ignored his calls the whole time he was in that relationship. Well – I did, however not because I was angry, but because I was too weak to get through all this again. I kept my distance the last few weeks to protect myself. Conner and his Ex-girlfriend have been a couple one time before and we pretended to be friends during that time. I really suffered when listening how happy he felt or even how much heartache she caused. I couldn’t make this again. I didn’t want to. The most painful thing in the world is listening to the guy you love talking about the girl you want to be – and pretending you are okay.
Although the circumstance that Conner REALLY wanted to watch the firework with me was unexpected and the most amazing thing that could ever have happened I still didn’t contact him. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to call it pride but – don’t you understand what this felt like? To be not-wanted because he found something better and just the day after she broke up with him I would be right there as compensatory-girl again?? I couldn’t. Because this was not the way I wanted to feel in his company even if there was nothing that I was more longing for.
Three hours passed. I was so excited if I would see him that night, although I decided to go there alone – just me and my camera. Surely my BIGGEST secret wish was that he would call and ask. I just didn’t want to be the one to request since I feared he would just use me, enjoying that I was raising hopes again. So I waited hoping that he would search the contact.
And he did – after three hours my heart nearly killed me jumping around when Conner asked for my company. How could I have canceled this date? No way. When Conners car stopped in front of my house to pick me up I knew that this was the best moment that happened to me for a very long time. And every minute felt like medicine to all the longing and suffering and the jealousy of the past weeks. We watched the firework together. And everytime I’m listening to any of these songs the promoters played during the lightshow I can’t keep my heart from jumping.
When I took the picture we were so close. I’m so grateful – I could cry.